Monthly Archive

out of the three tuition kids i have, two deserve to live. i’m sorry i sound like a psychotic dictator who’s out to determine the intelligent should live. but the cruel fact is, the third kid who has zero common sense, she took 30 x $90 to find the total cost of 30 mangoes when the question stated “the total cost of the mangoes is $90″.the whinny and pampered female student i was complaining about has changed a little, for the better. she’s willing to listen to my commands despite me pushing assessment book after assessment book to her to complete throughout two hours. i think i would have killed any tuition teacher who did this to me when i was a kid. plus she showed great progress in her latest examination. therefore her life is spared.

my favourite kid? we have a great time laughing at each other every lesson. he let me on this major secret (only after swearing me to secrecy), which even his “gang leader” and parents do not know of yet. he pleaded with me to bring him out after his exams to *ahemjurongpoint to buy a teddy bear.

the tabloid reporter in me forced him to confess that the teddy bear was indeed for a girl. nah, not his crush or anything juicy like that, it’s for a gift exchange before the malacca trip he will be going on with his schoolmates. he was so shy about it i thought it was quite cute.

there, i don’t hate all kids. i find kids who listen to me tolerable and agreeable. only if they’re intelligent enough to worship me like i’m some nobel prize winner, the way i guide them to solve their maths sums, explain science theories, point out grammar mistakes and define new words on their vocabulary lists.

i’ve become a master in the field of killing cockroaches.i can tell on which nights cockroaches decide to be suicidal and fly into my room.

from experience, the best way to kill cockroaches is to whack them damn hard with magazines. old magazines, if you don’t want to waste money. the magazine has to be thin enough to roll up but stiff enough to kill the cockroach in one blow. which is what other weapons like the broom or the cockroach spray cannot achieve.

but do take note not to hit the cockroach with the magazine with too much force. either hit them with moderate force to disable them and leave them to die, or just to finish them off in one piece.

this is another precious lesson i learnt today.

whacking cockroaches too hard results in disgusting, gooey, gray cockroach juices and scattered body parts smeared all over its death platform, which can range from the floor to your favourite bag or pillow and what not. i was extremely lucky it happened on the floor.

cockroach juice smells bad, by the way.

going down to orange grove road gave me the chance to visit jurong east again. i used to live in jurong east and i still like that area more than where i’m living now. for a start, the bus interchange was just opposite, there was a regional library there, and a variety of food available.even till today, i still dream of my old home. strangely i’ve never dreamt about my current home. maybe because i’m more attached to my old home. after all, i was borne and bred there. someday when i’m damn free i might take a memory walk there, the route i took everyday to kindergarten class or primary school, the hangout places.

you know, i hanged out at the old jurong east library so often, i still remember its layout and how it looked like. jurong entertainment centre too, where most secondary schoolmates would remember clearly. they’ve renovated it recently, it’s a lot brighter with the white floor tiles. there’s a not too bad foodcourt on the second floor. but some things never change. the selection of retail shops are pathetic, especially with a lot of pathetic little kiosks selling pathetic little things here and there.

this is distinctively jurong east. i used to be awed by it when i was kid, and i still love the shades of red and gray and the linear pattern it provides. it’s a lot more interesting than the sleek, modern mrt stations which are all grey.

and this is the mamashop where i always bought tidbits from before walking home. it’s changed. it used to be walled up behind and the counter was a lot higher. now customers can even walk in. but i like the way they display and hang the hundreds of packets of sweets on the right. so pretty. and seriously, i wonder why the telephone stand is so slanted.

it’s strange why i can forget about so many critical events in my life, but i still remember so many bits and pieces about jurong east. it’s a sleepy old place now, but the kid in me still likes to visit it every now and then to check out the changes and indulge in reminiscene.

my parents are such nags, i tell you.

when i failed to inform them of my absence from work today and they discovered me in bed when i’m supposed to be working, they kept bugging me.

they started by asking me relentlessly where the heck i was going, why wasn’t i at work. i ignored my dad’s questioning since he could easily ask my mum, she had been informed earlier already and i was too sleepy to answer him coherently.

then when i woke up, he nagged at me for taking leave and losing a day’s income. and also for not informing earlier that i’ll be out shopping for a postgrad course. though i still don’t understand what was the point of informing him.

i mean, he persuaded me to do a postgrad course, told me to check out the available options, and that’s exactly what i’m doing! he didn’t say i have to explain to him every step i take in sourcing for the different course.

then, it was my mum’s turn again. she kept asking me who i was going with. this was totally ridiculous. i mean, i’m shopping for my course, who would i bring along to a possibly long and boring discussion with the consultants for the aussie universities? does she think all my friends are so damn free, they don’t have to work or study?

when i came home, my mum told me my dad was complaining that i didn’t tell him which schools i was checking out.

what the hell!! i, myself, had zero ideas about which schools to check out, since there are loads of universities offering postgrad courses in aussie, how the heck was i supposed to tell him which schools i were thinking of??

man, my parents are such control freaks sometimes. these investigating sessions come in spasms. sometimes they don’t give a damn about stuff like my grades in school, who i’m hanging out with and sometimes, they want details, down to what exactly is going on in my mind.

is this common in all parents, or are my parents just weird?

it’s depressing how i’m whining about how brainless i am every single day, but yesterday was the worst.

amid the extreme confusion due to last minute manipulation of the monthly figures required by the boss, i did something extremely stupid. i was so obsessed with getting the right figures on time so that the 34 technicians would get their overtime pay on time,

i.

miscalculated.

my.

own.

labour.

hours.

i lost half a day’s salary. it’s not a million dollar figure, but hey, i worked for the money and now i’m not getting the money cos i was stupid.

and i only realised it today. it’s too late to cry now, not that i will cry in the first place. after all, the report’s submitted and there’s no point hounding the rest of the world for a bit of money.

so there, less two pairs of earrings-shopping this month.

the overtime dispute has not blown over. my boss asked my neighbour-in-black for a talk in his office today, and told her “not to be shy to ask me to stay overtime” to help her with her work.

for the millionth time i feel like telling him, i don’t mind doing overtime! in fact, i love doing overtime. more money, with company-sponsored dinner and cab fare (which dramatically reduces travelling time).

but i have my principles. i wouldn’t incur overtime just because i want to earn money, i’ll only do it if i really cannot finish urgent work. not stupid stuff like filing and photocopying documents. especially if he wants me to do other people’s work not because they have heavy workloads, but because they waste time standing around, gossiping and chatting about stupid stuff during office hours.

of course if my colleagues were productive like my admin head or the neighbour-in-black, i wouldn’t mind helping them lighten their workload at all, since they are overloaded.

but did my speech ever get to his head?

noooooooo!

i’ve been asking my colleagues on a very, very regular basis if they have any work they need help with. so far, i’ve been bombarded left, right, centre. in fact, one of those stand-around-whining-they-have-no-time-but-i-wonder-why-they-have-so-much-time-to-whine colleagues has taken my services for granted, dumping his work in my in-tray even without asking me if i have the time to do it, or if i would do it. he just expects me to do it for him when it’s in my tray.

there was once this very same colleague told me to go downstairs to get some documents from another colleague, when i was obviously busier than he was and i was rushing a bloody deadline. i was so busy i grunted an ok, and he asked me with a slightly irritated tone, “did you hear me? i was telling you to get documents from mary.” i was so damn freaking pissed, but i did it anyway to maintain cordial relationships (he’s one of my lunch kakis). and when i came up from the second floor, he was standing around chatting with other people, munching on snacks. now tell me i should help lighten his workload.

but is my boss satisfied?

nooooooo!

i think he’s been hounded by the backstabber again, who’s probably unhappy that i can go home at six every day.

the final showdown will be when my boss asks me into the office for a second overtime-issue-talk.

i suspect that is nearing, since my admin head has gone on her maternity leave and my neighbour-in-black has a crazy workload as a result. i’ve approached her telling her she can always pass her mudane tasks like photocoyping or anything else to me, but like me, she prefers to drive herself crazy finishing her tasks rather than pushing her workload to others.

i know i’ll be so pissed i’ll ask my boss if it’ll make him happier if i take over those whiners’ jobs totally while they sit around whining about how much work they have to do (i think they’ll do that even if they have no work for a day) and how low their salaries are (as if it can go lower than mine).

who cares if he’ll fire me. i’m fed up with stupid bosses.

i’ve been so reliant on sufficient sleep, i malfunction when i am deprived of sleep. to the extent that my colleagues kept laughing at the mistakes and stunts i do when they realise the new me existed due to late nights recently.

it didn’t help that there were reports with many numbers to churn out today. worse still, the figures on these monthly reports had to balance with the weekly reports. i spent a hell lot of time wondering why the numbers didn’t match and had a major headache from staring at the computer screen. it’s a miracle i didn’t get depression from today.

i’m supposed to be sleeping now, but i’m too bloated from instant noodles, durians and water.

i hope i don’t turn out grumpy and stupid again tomorrow.

i’ve been commanded by higher authorities to get a master’s degree instead of a bachelor’s degree in design. out of due respect and complete trust in the higher authorities mentioned, i’ll leave the design-course-plans for the time being, until i am financially able to sponsor myself for such dreams. if that day ever comes.

meanwhile, i’m discovering new things.

a main reason why i hate the idea of doing a masters degree is because you know, on our small, sunny island, they practically offer masters in business administration and nothing else. people who know me can tell that i’m not into business administration at all. or finances. or management.

a quick check on the internet reveals masters degrees in anything you want - marketing, international business, etc. etc. i think i’d really love to do a master’s degree in these areas.

my sponsor for my education supports the idea of sending me overseas to do my masters if it means cutting down the waiting time. to do a master’s degree locally, i’d need about two year’s working experience and even with that, admission is not guaranteed. i love my dad’s impatience when it comes to education.

making new plans are exciting, but that doesn’t mean the previous plan was a whimsical one.

if i can ever afford it, i won’t forget my dreams.

by the way, yeah, i agree i’m in a sorry state of ignorance.

these are the skirts acquired within a short period of three months. it’s quite a feat considering i’m not really into skirts. and the one in the middle comes with a lace design, the one you see on the right.

now for the earrings:

and these are just part of the recent purchases i’ve made.

i still blame myself for not discovering these earlier:

now i’ll never get to wear them. damn. i do like the beads so much. so pretty!

and look! my first DIY french pedicure! it’s a little uneven, but it’s not too bad for a first attempt, i think.

nah, this post doesn’t have much meaning to it. i just thought it was time to uncover the hidden lady in me.

i think i’m a bimbo in disguise. i had fun shopping for skirts today. i’m buying more and more skirts because i realize when i wear pants, lots of people ask me to climb up and down, here and there, just because they’re wearing skirts. besides, skirts hide my short and fat legs better than pants do. so there, skirts it shall be.

and sheesh, i’ve planned what to wear on monday already. or is it “i’ve already planned what to wear on monday.” man, i can’t believe i’m teaching tuition.

but then again, i always know what to wear on mondays. by tuesdays, i just grab something from the upper rack, the office clothes rack, and put it on. i really dislike rushing in the mornings. i wish i had flexible working hours.

recently, i’ve also improved leaps and bounds in my shopping habits. i’ve become more efficient and wise in my choices. on the last few shopping trips, i’ve been very focused, knowing what i should be looking out for and picking out only clothes that i look okay in. in the past, i’d settle for anything that looks almost okay and end up wearing those clothes only once or twice.

i need more money to hone my shopping skills.

my admin head gave a speech before knock off today, because as of thursday, she’ll be on her maternity leave. besides, she felt sharp pains today so she was worried she might not last in the office till wednesday.

it’s depressing the backstabber is gonna take over during my admin head’s absence. i could already sense the one-way tension from her to another colleague during the speech. maybe if she targets the other colleague i’ll be spared from office battles. hahah i know that sounds mean but i really want to be stress-free throughout my stay there.

meanwhile, my neighbour-in-black continues to be spooked. she told me this morning mysteriously missing money in her cashbox for petty cash returned (and extra money appeared) after she placed some pins in the cashbox. i didn’t know she knew black magic and stuff like that, haha. and towards the end of the day, i pointed out to her that one of her arch files was standing upside down among the usually neat row. she gave me a look and i understood that she’s spooked again.

at least she’s not some gu-niang who goes shrieking at such incidents.

given the choice, i’d rather be spooked than to face office battles.

now, pray for me, that i enjoy a peaceful and safe stay in the office.

another update on the application crisis:

i told my parents on sunday, when we were about to step into a buddhist temple. it was brillant timing on my part, cos it gave them time to ask me questions what the heck was going on, throw a few suggestions, and nothing more. cos the monks were chanting prayers. so i had almost an hour of peace.

my dad’s trying to convince me to do my masters, cos his perception is that the higher the academic qualifications, the better. to him, it’s better having a master’s degree than having two degrees from different fields. i really tried telling him i’m not at all interested in business, it’s just marketing which i like.

and he told me he can’t possibly wait along with me, he needs to retire soon. which is exactly what i’ve been worried about all along. if i take up the course, i’ll finish in 2012. and i don’t want my dad to work an extra few years just to sponsor my education. in the first place i already feel bad for getting him to sponsor another degree. but i know there’s no way i can sponsor my own education now. and it’ll take me a really long time if i want to save up for course fees after a few years of working.

this thing is turning into a mental bitch. it keeps nagging and bitching in my brain and yet there’s nothing i can do about it.

there’s this sales engineer in the office who isn’t so flattering. not that i need a lot of false compliments, i know myself, but he didn’t have to be so candid.

he: “you know, i can’t eat seafood or mangoes. i always have a major outbreak after eating them.”

me: “aiyah, can’t really tell the difference lah, outbreak or not.”

he: “yeah i know, i have a lot of problems with pimples. i really envy you guys. how come no pimples one? so good!”

three minutes later….still on the same topic

he: “my pores are damn big.”

looking at me, he continued, “you know, your pores are big too, but you have no pimples.”

wah lau, i really don’t know whether to take that as an insult or a compliment.

my boss decided to join us for lunch today. it was a painful lunch, because i don’t particularly like him and thus i don’t have anything much to say to him. plus, he’s a even neater eater than i am.

towards the end of lunch, my usual lunch kaki asked if we wanted drinks, and i merrily (perhaps a little too merrily) told him i wanted teh bing.

immediately, the boss asked if i’m a malaysian.

wide-eyed, i told him no and asked him why. can it be that singaporeans don’t drink teh bing?

he always had the idea that malaysians love teh bing. maybe it was the merriness in me that made him think i live for teh bing (kind of). if he were a friend i’d have told him maybe because i have a buddy who’s malaysian and perhaps i’m influenced by the teh-bing-drinking malaysian. but since we’re of different frequencies, my boss and i, i decided not to tell him so much about myself.

if he’s still not sure about my nationality after me having worked there for a cumulative period of seven months over three years, something must be very wrong.

can it be that…. i’m behaving like a malaysian??

ever since i went down to the unsw branch office, i’ve been unhappy. i allowed others to know of my unhappiness for an official day, and i forced myself to bounce back to my usual self. i’ve been working full speed during office hours, so that i don’t have time to think about the future till i am ready to do so. despite having prepared myself for the worst news of not being able to do my dream course, i’m still very much affected.i didn’t think it was obvious. i even managed to fool myself into thinking i’m fine. till my colleagues asked me one by one, why i have been looking depressed even when i’m focused on my work, or when i’m eating lunch. to them i’ve been smiling less, or when i smile, there’s gloom in it. apparently i’ve been quieter at work too.

i can’t help it. it gets worse when i’m alone, so i try to tire myself so much, whenever i’m alone, i’ll go to sleep.

every time i’m unhappy, i tend to hide my emotions from people around me. i know people will get worried over my unhappiness, which is exactly why i prefer to be happier when i’m not alone. besides, i don’t like the idea of affecting others’ moods when they are spending time with me.

for those who always get worried over me bottling up my thoughts and emotions, don’t worry about me. i’m rational enough to stay alive and i certainly don’t have the guts to kill myself. so far, i’ve been fine thinking through things till i figure out the best solutions. and i’m too individualistic, i guess. sometimes i don’t like people interfering with my thoughts and decisions. sometimes i get too tired to explain or convince them of my decisions.

i wish i have the ability to have full control over decision-making. but i know the final decision doesn’t lie with me this time. maybe that’s why i’m so affected. i’m scared that i wouldn’t be able to do what i want.

i hate the feeling of being lost. of not knowing what to do next. not knowing why i’m doing what i am doing.

hopefully, things turn out fine soon.

by the time i publish this post, it’s because the final decision has been made.

this post shall be saved as a draft till then, because i don’t want anyone to constantly ask if i’m ok. i’ll make sure i’m fine, though i appreciate all of your concern. it’s just that when you ask if i’m ok, i feel worse.

i have a sudden craving for an afternoon nap on a rainy afternoon and waking up in the evening.

and listening to songs which are not so recent.

sitting in the library flipping through books.

swimming and then having tea in some cafe on a weekday afternoon.

being able to read the books i bought for a couple of undisturbed hours.

writing down some deep thoughts on paper because they’re too personal to share.

having intelligent conversations with friends over dinner.

today’s heavy downpour during work made me miss these things even more. with the rain beating against the window panes, i just thought spending the time in an air-conditioned office separated from the world outside seems such a waste.

i could have been out there in the rain. it’s been a long time since i walked or sat in the rain. by the time lunchtime came, the rain had already stopped. a wasted rainy day spent on boring tasks in the office.

i placed yet another order for earrings over the internet. my colleagues are getting increasingly intrigued by my many different pairs of earrings. each morning when i walk into the office, the first thing they look out for is my earrings. sometimes my neighbour-in-black likes them so much she tilts her head and stares at them, taking in the beauty of earrings.

they’re works of art, aren’t they?

but art is expensive. damn.

i have yet earned a few other titles in the office this week.since the talk-which-led-nowhere with the boss, i’ve been approaching every single colleague to see if they have anything they want me to do, anything. each time i approach them (i have a routine, asking each of them starting from my favourite colleague to the backstabber, till they run out of things for me to do), they behave like i’m their saviour, releasing them from the life-of-overtime.

i’m also amazed by the speed i complete their tasks. i’ve yet to stay overtime, with my workload and chunks of others’ workloads. therefore, they’ve crowned me the high-speed and high-performance one. which makes me sound like some technology product.

yesterday, i took up the most hilarious task ever. hilarious to me, at least.

my admin head approached me to help with the folding of joss paper. no kidding, joss paper. the kind that’s burnt during taoist prayers, etc. she looked so guilty asking me, cos she thought i might mind doing such things when it’s obviously way beyond my workscope, that i burst out laughing. i assured her i’m totally okay with it, i’m just amused by the “colourful worklife” i have.

my neighbour-in-black shook her head and laughed when she saw the stacks of joss paper, the black trash bags i took to contain the folded joss paper, and the way i cleaned the tables after the folding session.

thus the additional title of “the multi-purpose one” was earned.

now i sound like a household detergent.

the joss paper folding thingy wasn’t so bad, really. it’s better than staying in my cubicle, which is dangerously near the backstabbing-triangle in the office, consisting of the uncool admin ladies. the uncool admin ladies refer to the others minus the admin head, the neighbour-in-black and me. the sitting arrangement is such that the neighbour-in-black and the admin head are safely situated far away from the backstabbing-trio. but i’m at the border of the triangle and things really get a little hot at times.

things within the triangle are gonna get worse when my admin head goes on her maternity leave. cos the most senior backstabber has been appointed the temporary admin head. and at the rate things are happening to me (plus the things she’s been saying to me the past few days), it’s not gonna be a pleasant stay for me till my admin head returns.

the joss-paper session also allowed my admin head and i to indulge in a long gossip session, when i learnt a lot more about the people in the office. gossip in the office is restricted to non-malicious descriptions of people and events which happen, so that we have better understanding of things going on around us. not the untrue, harmful kind.

so it was kind of educational too. really.

in case you are really interested in why we were folding joss paper, it’s solely for the purpose of the seventh month prayer session on monday. so it’s kind of like an annual duty for the most-free people in the office to help with the folding.

i’ve been buying a lot of earrings online again.

partly cos i’m bored, partly cos i’m depressed, partly cos i think i really like earrings. but it makes me a lot happier when the earrings arrive in the mail. then i’ll start wondering which design lies within the envelope.

it’s a delicious feeling ripping open the bubble wraps, taking them out and trying them on. while planning when to start wearing them and which clothes to wear to match the earrings. my life is starting to revolve around earrings.

sounds bimbotic, eh?

but i do wish the earrings sites which i visit update their stock more often. i need mooooore earrings.

oh yes, happy public holiday.

i think i wouldn’t even switch on the tv today. i hate watching tv on national day.

and i hope ndp will be sweet for some out there. *winks

i’m sorry to the people who messaged me or called me on monday, only to get no replies till yesterday. i switched off my phone cos i was in no mood to repeat the stories of what happened and what i plan to do.what has happened so far, for the benefit of those who are still unenlightened, is that the university which i applied to emailed me on friday night to tell me that the design course which i want to do so much, will only be offered in march 2008.

i went down to their representative office on monday to check it out, and the lady told me in a very unfeeling manner that yes, the enrolment is too low to start a class and thus the course has been scheduled to start in 2008 instead.

meaning i wouldn’t even know about it if i hadn’t bothered to ask them what had happened. they didn’t even send an email or letter to inform the applicants. and they weren’t in the least sorry for their negligence to do so. and totally bochup about what will happen to applicants like me, who have planned their next few years around the course.

so i switched off my phone, took a very long walk and went to do a little shopping. a movie alone, too.

till now, i still haven’t decided what to do.

with the course rescheduled to start in 2008 and changed from a three year course to a four year course, it means i’ll be graduating at the age of 28 years if i do take up the course. which means i start my career very, very late. there’s bound to be a lot of lost opportunities and experience.

plus, what will i do in that additional year of waiting? i’ve told my admin head and boss that i can stay till march next year and i don’t think i’ll quit before that. i feel bound to the promise, cos my admin head will be going on maternity leave end of this month till end of this year and it’ll be irresponsible to go back on my words.

i don’t want to hang around doing admin work for another year till march 2008, even though my admin head cheerfully tried to convince me to do so when i updated her on my latest application crisis. she’s truly concerned about my application to the university, not because she hopes that it’ll fall through so i can stay with them, but because she wishes me the best too.

coming back to the thing about lost opportunities, i’ve already lost some. with the late email coming from the damned university, it’s already a little too late to change where i will be till march 2007. for instance, i could have been out looking for a real marketing job, even though i hate interviews and job searches. it means a lost opportunity of two years of marketing experience, whether or not i want to pursue the design degree in 2008.

i haven’t told my family about this either, cos i don’t think i’ll like their reactions very much. they don’t understand how much this design degree means to me. while they want the best for me, my parents don’t understand something called dreams.

maybe i’m just impractical.

for some time i thought it’ll be a happy ending. i’ll get to pursue my dreams and do what i really want. it seemed so magical that the right course turned up at the right place (local) at the right time. i’m laughing at my naive thoughts now. i thought it was difficult to decide on doing the course and it took a lot of determination and guts. so much that i took more than half a year to really decide on the course. now i know, it takes a hell lot more guts to face the crisis now and the next decision is much more difficult to make.

it’s mentally exhausting, having to make difficult decisions again and again.

i think i’ll announce my plans when i’ve made my decisions. till then, don’t ask me what i’m going to do, cos i have zero ideas about it.

i’m pretty tired from first trying to think through the backup plans, and then from trying not to think. in the first place, i’m convinced the dust has settled, but still, i’m checking things out on monday. i just need a confirmation and an explanation to tell me why all my plans are screwed up suddenly.

if things fall through, i don’t know what i’ll be doing. i haven’t thought so far. or should i say, i haven’t thought of the negative side. cos it took me so much time and guts to make the decision, i haven’t looked for other alternatives.

at times like this, i think i need a damn good cup of coffee. or someone who can totally understand my thoughts.

so far, i’ve got neither.

i’m all by myself, and i’m kind of scared.

my plans for the next few years have just been messed up by a short, simple sentence.it’s so messed up i have to say, my life is fucked up for the time being.

that’s a word i haven’t used before while blogging and i certainly haven’t used it verbally either.

imagine how bad it is.

ok, now leave me alone while i sort out my plans again.