ever since i went down to the unsw branch office, i’ve been unhappy. i allowed others to know of my unhappiness for an official day, and i forced myself to bounce back to my usual self. i’ve been working full speed during office hours, so that i don’t have time to think about the future till i am ready to do so. despite having prepared myself for the worst news of not being able to do my dream course, i’m still very much affected.i didn’t think it was obvious. i even managed to fool myself into thinking i’m fine. till my colleagues asked me one by one, why i have been looking depressed even when i’m focused on my work, or when i’m eating lunch. to them i’ve been smiling less, or when i smile, there’s gloom in it. apparently i’ve been quieter at work too.

i can’t help it. it gets worse when i’m alone, so i try to tire myself so much, whenever i’m alone, i’ll go to sleep.

every time i’m unhappy, i tend to hide my emotions from people around me. i know people will get worried over my unhappiness, which is exactly why i prefer to be happier when i’m not alone. besides, i don’t like the idea of affecting others’ moods when they are spending time with me.

for those who always get worried over me bottling up my thoughts and emotions, don’t worry about me. i’m rational enough to stay alive and i certainly don’t have the guts to kill myself. so far, i’ve been fine thinking through things till i figure out the best solutions. and i’m too individualistic, i guess. sometimes i don’t like people interfering with my thoughts and decisions. sometimes i get too tired to explain or convince them of my decisions.

i wish i have the ability to have full control over decision-making. but i know the final decision doesn’t lie with me this time. maybe that’s why i’m so affected. i’m scared that i wouldn’t be able to do what i want.

i hate the feeling of being lost. of not knowing what to do next. not knowing why i’m doing what i am doing.

hopefully, things turn out fine soon.

by the time i publish this post, it’s because the final decision has been made.

this post shall be saved as a draft till then, because i don’t want anyone to constantly ask if i’m ok. i’ll make sure i’m fine, though i appreciate all of your concern. it’s just that when you ask if i’m ok, i feel worse.